


From blue to black

by HeTouchedTheBodt



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Gen, Gore, Horror, Mild Gore, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 17:53:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5794132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeTouchedTheBodt/pseuds/HeTouchedTheBodt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We know he spiraled into madness and into fully accepting his ghoul side, but what exactly did he go through in order to get to that point? Torture, yes, but was it similar to Kaneki's? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? All we can do is have our imagination wander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From blue to black

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wondered what exactly did Takizawa go through and if it was worse or similar to Kaneki's. But I figured it'd probably be different, and it would be more so targeted to his own weaknesses.  
> Until Ishida's work says otherwise, these are some of the things I figured he would go through.  
> I do plan on making this a multi-chapter fic, although I will make no promises that updates will be quick! I tend to be a slow typer and all that jazz. So for now, enjoy the first chapter! :)
> 
> I have a tumblr: hetouchedthebodt.tumblr.com

There were plenty of times when I had asked myself,  _ ‘Do I take things for granted?’ _ And almost every single time I answered that question it would be,  _ ‘I do, I really do…’ _ But never in my entire life did I imagine I would be constantly asking myself,  _ ‘Why did this happen to me?’ _

Every single day.

Every minute.

Every second…

I know fully well that when I scrawled those words onto the blank piece of paper that I was terrified, more so than I was my entire existence. Was I ready to lay down my own worth? My own life? I should…I did…I really did.

I don’t want to die…

But to have things end up like this? No. I was not ready for it whatsoever and I’m still not in terms that it has come to this. It must be a bad dream, right? It must be it truly must be, because if it is, I would like to wake up now.

I _ don’t _ want to die…

Whatever happened to me surely mustn’t have caused me to go into this deep of sleep, right? Please whoever is around me, wake me up.

I  _ don’t  _ want to  _ die _ …

Let me hear a familiar voice that let’s me know everything is actually okay. That I’m on a hospital bed, filled up with whatever the doctors felt necessary to put in me so I couldn’t feel any form of pain. Please, just please tell me that I’m not in this nightmare…

_ I don’t want to die… _

The agonizing pain that shot from my stomach and up to my throat brought me out of my thoughts. Slowly fluttering my eyes open and seeing the same scuffed checkered tile in my line of vision caused a tiny whimper to shed its way out of my mouth. This wasn’t a dream…it wasn’t a nightmare that I was having. No. I was here; I was awake, _fully_ awake and _alive_.

It was what I wanted, right? I didn’t want to die…I didn’t. And sadly, while many others would want to stay with a beating heart and be able to breathe in the air, I was here wishing so badly to die…because this was worse than death. It was torture.

“I didn’t want to die…” I breathed out in a low and airy whisper.

 

* * *

 

“Sediou…”

The burning sensation at the back of my throat was growing; it hurt just to swallow down my breath and saliva. No matter how much I rubbed my throat, or inhaled the cool air, it wouldn’t go away. It stayed and lingered whenever the familiar smell of luscious sustenance wandered into this place.  

Labored breaths passed through my dry lips as I kept my forehead pressed against the cool-tiled floor and clenched my fists, hard. Hard enough that I was able to feel my short nails dig into my skin.

“You do realize you have to eat, right?”

I shook my head, dragging my skin against the floor. There was an answer I wanted to give, but I was so horrified that if I did there would be something else thrown to me and by that I mean…well…let’s just say that my ankles were finally realigned to the proper position.

Oh, but not over a long period of healing…no, it took less than a minute. My body isn’t what it was before. It was…

“It’s been a couple of days, perhaps more than that. Don’t you think you deserve some form of reward for your good behavior?”

My stomach was telling me to accept their offer; it gave a loud growl that it caused me to let out a fairly loud exhale.  A low whimper escaped from me, it didn’t even sound like it came from my own mouth. But once again, I refuse with another side to side drag from my head.  

“Sediou, you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he sighed out gently and ran his hand through his gray hair.

“…guh…ha…” I bit my bottom lip so my voice wouldn’t utter out a response.

A heavy sigh emerged from him and his footsteps approached towards me. I couldn’t help but flinch to the echoes of his shoes against the tiles and curl myself tighter in hopes that he might find some form of pity today to leave me be; let me just rest and grovel in my existence. But that’s just wishful thinking.

“You know you’re starving yourself, correct? How many times have you eaten this year?” His pace came to a halt right in front of me.

“Hng…” With my arms over my stomach, I tightly gripped my sides and dug my nails against the thin fabric of a shirt I was wearing.

It really has been a while since I last ate and it’s just been tearing me apart. The urges to take a bite off any of my limbs grew bit by bit. It wasn’t as if I’d die from blood loss anyway, I’d heal in no time. But I just couldn’t bear to do it.

“You need to eat. You’re slowly dying, Sediou.” There was a small hint of frustration in his voice.

At any other given moment I would have abided to his concern and eaten whatever they have thrown at me, but not this time. I’ve gone this far, I can last longer, right? I surely can. It’s only been…how long has it truly been since I ate?

“…H-ha! Agh!” I choked out as my hand flew right up to my throat.

The burning sensation in the back of throat grew immensely. My vision began to blur, tears began to stream down my cheeks and fall to the floor. My shoulders grew tense, along with my entire body. And my stomach, oh my stomach…was raging with hunger. It was hard to breathe.

I felt like I was being pulled down deeper in an ominous hole that had no escape. That no matter how much I screamed out for help that it would never come, ever. I was doomed to live in this lonely and dark place. With no one to be there of help, I was to be alone…

“Aaaaaaaaah!” My hands went up to my disheveled hair as I screamed my guts out, that maybe just maybe it will make the unbearable pain in my stomach waver. “Make it stop!” Saliva splattered onto the floor and it only kept building up in my mouth.

If I was left alone I wouldn’t be dealing with the realization of how much my hunger had been held off. Why didn’t he leave me alone? Why? Why? _Why?_ I was doing so well being left alone in this godforsaken place.

“Gaaaaaaah!” I dug my nails harshly against my scalp, but there was no hint of pain from it.

The only pain that I was feeling and would be feeling for a while was my stomach. It was such a churning, aching, pitiful sensation that just wouldn’t stop. And it didn’t stop with that, the tiny pinches kept rising, from my stomach and up to my throat leaving my already burning throat rise up to the point that I was heavily gasping for air. My entire body was on fire and I wanted it to stop.

“P-please make…i-it stooop!!!” Shoving my face closer to the tiles, I let my mouth hang open as cool tears continued to slip down my hot cheeks.

“Then you need to eat. Can you do that?” I could feel the presence of his hand lingering over my head, perhaps thinking that some form of contact would make me calm some, but that was the last thing that I wanted to get from this man.

“ _ Don’t _ touch me!” Slamming my hands down to the floor, I rise my face up to look at him. “Leave me alone! J-just…leave…” I croaked between my gasps and continued to let these tears fall.

The amount of times I have cried in this place had been too much for me to keep track. They felt nothing out of the ordinary now, only something that became normal. I remember when they held some form of meaning before this, when the few times it was appropriate to let these small drops of liquid trail down my skin.

_ ‘I’m so proud of you Seidou!’ Mom muffled against my chest as she embraced me tightly between her arms…’ _

A shivered sob began to spill from me and for the first time that I’ve been here; my eyes began to burn with the tears that were escaping my loose grasp. I’ve felt alone before, but now I feel abandoned, just thrown aside to be disposed of in the worst way possible. Was this really my fate? Going through such…

“I’m giving you a choice to eat without having to harm someone. Unless you prefer to…?” He raised a brow, keeping his gaze down to me.

“N-no! I would never do such a t-thing!” How on earth he thought that I would agree to that is beyond me.

Whoever was in my position that agreed to such must have gone longer without a source of food, or they gave up and found no other way to cease the pain of this damn hunger. Because there are other screams that I hear along these walls, other sobs of pain, anger, sadness…they were dealing with the same thing I was, if not worse. 

 

* * *

 

After a couple more attempts, he let out a defeated sigh and began to take a few steps away. Then his back was turned to me, shaking his head in obvious disappointment. It didn’t matter to me if he was upset with my choice, I didn’t want to keep myself alive if it meant eating… _that_. Just the thought of it makes my mouth salivate more than it already had. But when the light nudge of reality kicks in, a huge wave of grief flows through my body and I’m left to be blankly staring at the gray wall of this room.

People, probably innocent people were harmed in order to gather that form of nourishment for me…“Hah…urg!” I heaved at the mental images that appeared in my brain. Faces of women, children, and men were flashing before my eyes. They were either strangers that I’ve run into or people I had a close relation with and to see that horrified expression, mangled with pain, screaming out for help, had me gagging for the times that I had taken and eaten what they gave me.  

“Y-you...monsters…” The words slipped between my lips as I continued to watch him walk away from me.

But I had to take a closer look at myself, a deep and concentrated look because what was I? I took the dripping slab of meat from that small statured girl wrapped in gauze from head to toe, and I had huge chunks out of it. And I…enjoyed the taste…the iron-like aroma from it was highly different with my new senses; it let off such a mouth-watering smell that I didn’t even think twice as to what I was shoving down my throat. I just wanted to calm down my hunger at that moment…it’s all I wanted to do!

“It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!” I kept repeating to myself out loud. “Please forgive me! Please!” Who I was asking this to, I don’t clearly know. It only felt appropriate to ask some form of forgiveness to the innocent lives that were taken in order to feed me.

“I’ll ask Eto to leave you something. Please eat; you’re starting to lose it again.” He looked over his shoulder, eyeing me closely, “We don’t want a repeat of before do we? I’m sure Tatara wouldn’t mind to give you a visit again.”

Hearing that name caused my eyes to widen, it made my throat feel uncomfortably dry, “No no no no no no no…” Shaking my head vigorously, I gripped my hair tightly between my hands again. My entire being began to shake uncontrollably, the most coldest of shivers traveled down my spine; I couldn’t help but tilt my head up in reaction to it and let out another sputter of no’s into the air.

“…hm.” Narrowing his eyes some, I caught a slight tug from the corner of his lips. He was amused with what he was seeing…

Shutting the door behind him, I let a high-pitched whine pass through my lips and into the lonely space around me. “Why me…? Why…” The amount of times I asked myself this couldn’t amount to the times I cried here. It’s a question that needed an answer, and yet I shall never get it.

I let my body sink down to the floor once more; I brought my knees up to my chest and stayed in a fetal position. It was cold in this place, at least it normally was. But it wasn’t at the moment; everything felt hot and humid. I couldn’t even tell what were my tears and what were beads of sweat. I knew this was going to be the consequence for hindering my need to eat, I knew this was a way that a ghoul could die, but I didn’t think that it would be such a slow and agonizing procedure.

“Mom…mommy…” Oh god, how I miss her. “…mom…”

 

* * *

 

I remember when the most difficult things were once trying to perfect my report for Houji to look over, getting myself ready for the day to deal with Akira, or having to scramble myself together to get to work on time. I remember when all I had to do was live my simple-yet not as simple-life as a ghoul investigator. I just wanted to protect mom, I wanted to protect Seina. I wanted to be the one who protected them…

“AHHHHHHHHHH!” There was an immense ringing in my ears that echoed throughout my head from the screaming that I unwillingly let out.

If there were any words that could describe what I was going through right now…well, I guess there really wouldn’t be any words to say to this.

“AAAAAAAaAAAHHHHhhHHHHHHH!!!!” No matter how much I tried to tear my wrists off from these chains. No matter how much I tried to throw myself off this chair…nothing worked. I was too weak. I suppose there really was a reason for me to have my amount of nourishment other than to stay alive.

The ringing that echoed throughout my head was eternal. It vibrated, traveled, and etched its way in my body. Even my screams weren’t able to match up to how intensely loud the ringing was. Not only was there ringing, oh no. There was a dramatic rise of heat inside my ears that pierced right through my eardrums. It traveled right through my head, moving, hitting through whatever was in its way.  

 

“AAAAAAaaaAAAAGGGgGHHHH!! s-ST..UH-OP!!” I could feel the edge of the brace around my wrists dig into my skin. My legs were held down by what I believed were straps. I wouldn’t know since my eyes were covered by a rag. 

 

Not only was my hearing blocked out by the horrifying and constant ringing, my ability to not see only intensified my senses. I could feel every inch, every millimeter, every twitch that the blistering rods made inside my head. It was nothing but constant ringing, twitching, ringing, twitching, moving, moving,  _ digging _ , twitching, pinching,  _ aching _ , irritating, hurting... 

 

“AAAAAAAAAAaaahHHHHHH!!! GUh-HAH-AAHHHh!!” My temples were pulsing harshly throughout my already trouble filled head. 

 

With every scream, every beg of stopping this, my throat throbbed with how loud I allowed myself to sound--not allowed, more so I had no choice but to sound like this. Never in my life did I ever think I could let out such an agonizing cry. 

 

“You make such beautiful sounds, Seidou.” Her voice was muffled; I could barely catch it. “Let’s hear them a bit longer, shall we?” Following her voice was another shove of the rods deeper into my skull. 

 

And yet another round of screams escape my already sore throat. How long it has been since this started, I'm not so sure. But I really  _ really _ wanted it to end. I was growing really ill from hearing her muffled voice. Admiring my pain, giggling to whatever twitch my body made, just…

 

“Oh my sweet, very sweet Sediou.” Her fingers gingerly ran through my sweaty hair, all while tilting my head upwards. “What makes you think I’d want to stop this?” Her fingers felt cool against my hot and sweat-covered chin. 

I could feel my mouth open, but was I able to listen to what I was saying? Just barely. I could just barely catch my screams. I could barely hear her teasing voice. This Eto person, she truly enjoyed this…


End file.
